If it Weren’t for M.S.

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I answered a call from my doctor’s office while at work. I had been waiting for results from a brain and cervical spine MRI.

At this point, I had experienced years of symptoms ranging from pins and needles in the top of my head, to overwhelming and spontaneous sleep episodes, muscle tenderness, burning and weakness, and a host of things that were occasional and didn’t seem related and that led to diagnoses of a couple of conditions - Fibromyalgia and Sjögren’s syndrome. Doctors still did not rule out the possibility of epilepsy or lupus, as every test seemed to result in a one step forward, then back to the drawing board swing.

I was tired of trying to get to the bottom of what was going on with me. I was a busy, single working mom and I just didn’t have the time, but I knew I couldn’t continue much longer existing in the extremes of being fine one week tending to life’s responsiblities while doing the things I enjoy, only to be followed by a week of mornings when I would get out of bed and fall to the floor from muscle weakness and pain.

It was a nurse on the line with my test results. I greeted her, and took a deep breath as she delivered the news. The myelin in my brain and cervical spine were deteriorating. I knew what it meant, but I was still so shocked, I asked what that meant, and she said the dreaded words, “You have MS.”

Over the coming weeks, I reached my lowest point, when I was driving the kids home from school after a spinal tap and I began spontaneously vomiting on myself. I still think about how terrified my kids were by what was happening to me, but also by the fact that I was driving the car that they were passengers in.

People would later tell me I looked like I was dying. I felt like I was. Though I would never consider taking my own life, as a single mom, I was extremely worried about not being able to care for my kids, and being a burden to them and the rest of my family and friends. I didn’t want to be an invalid, and I was already starting to feel like I was becoming one. Something had to give.

I was depressed, as I felt the old me had died, and in a way; I had, since I knew life would never be the same.

At one point, I remember a neighbor encouraging me to exercise and feeling frustrated by the suggestion. I was in pain and could hardly move most days. I couldn’t imagine exercise.

I didn’t process until later, that I was also angry. I used to be an athlete and now, I wasn’t sure if from one moment to the next, I would be able to stand upright or move my head without causing seizure-like tremors. I was mourning the person I used to be.

Finally, an allergic reaction to a medication self-injection caused a near-death experience and that was it. I decided I would rather quit medication and risk being in a wheelchair or blind over taking meds that could maybe, possibly help, or could cause brain cancer and kill me. I wanted to live. So, I decided to quit meds and my neurologist.

This was over 27 years ago.

Flash forward to today. I’ve just turned 57 and though it took many years of taking my health into my own hands, changing my diet completely, liver and kidney cleansing, prayer, meditation, exercise (yes -exercise), and ups and extreme downs when I thought I needed to go back on medication….I feel better than I ever did before M.S.

When I first started exercising again and training jiu jitsu, family and friends were concerned. There was worry that I would injure myself, or somehow make my condition worse.

But age brought wisdom. Working with people like my sister Song, and being honest with my professors and teammates about what I would and would not do, allowed me to step back onto the mats.

Though I was afraid of injury and also weak in my body, I knew that the strategy involved with the human chess of jiu jitsu training was good for my mind and my body. After all, the main cause of my autoimmune illness was stress, and no exercise was better at engaging my mind and my body than martial arts.

Jiu jitsu brings me joy and community. It gives me something to look forward to and goals to work towards. I’ve even started competing again, which is immensely challenging and rewarding.

Fitness keeps me well. It’s made me strong again, for myself and my family, and it gives me purpose outside of work.

As unbelievable as it sounds, I am thankful for my M.S. Without my illness, without all those moments of extreme sickness, I wouldn’t have changed anything. Without pain, I would not experience the pure joy from the moments I’ve had without pain.

Without sickness, I would not be as grateful as I am now every day, for the gift of health and movement. It’s a gift so many don’t have, and I intend never to take it for granted again.

~Chong Bennett